Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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