i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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