she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
