I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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