there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
