my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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