I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Randomize
