I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
