He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Randomize
