Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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