I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize