I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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