i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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