somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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