the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
