I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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