i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
