I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
