I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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