he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
it's like iHOP with fire
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
