I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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