i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
