i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just threw up on my dentist
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
