She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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