Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
