You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
