let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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