I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
