This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
