When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
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