i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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