Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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