My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I would fuck him just for his dog
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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