He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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