I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
