I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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