We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
