I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
