Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
