my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
