Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
