Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
