i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
