There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
