im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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