Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
