separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
