Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
