I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
