True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize