It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
