Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
