They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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