biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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