P.S. I can't hear my feet
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
