Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
