Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
