oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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