Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
