last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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