So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
