I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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