You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
