I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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