We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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