I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize