y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
