I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Boobs speak an international language.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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