I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize